Playing Catch Up

So I have missed a few days on here.  I have been sick, but also they have been hard days.  More then a few tears have been shed.  Feeling pretty desperate to find any happiness.  If you know depression then you know this feeling well.  My friend Cheryl over at Happy meets Crazy describes depression so well.

"Depression leaves it's mark on the home, I've decided. 

The physical remnants of an episode could be called cruel
and unusual --towards the house, that is. Friday was spent in
massive pain. I was hurling towards the center of crappiness, and
I spent the morning in tears. All day I prayed that someone
--anyone!--would know I needed them.  I look at the house
and I want to crawl inside myself--I look at my children and
I cry more, because I cannot force myself to show them the
attention they deserve. And then I pray some more."

I hope she doesn't mind that I quoted her, but she has a way with words that I just don't have.  So her description fits me quite well on some days.    

So the last few days have been leaving a mark on me too.  I was starting to feel like a failure since I haven't been here, looking for happiness like I said I was going to.  I haven't been posting and updating, how sad that it only takes two days for me to feel guilt over this.  But then my moment of happiness came. 

I remembered that a long time ago I taught myself a lesson.  I don't need to feel guilty for falling behind in things like journal writing or scripture reading.  I used to just give up if I fell behind my goal or expectation.  But now I simply admit falling behind and move on.  So here is me doing that.  I missed two days...oh well.  I start where I am, and I keep doing the best I can do.  That statement makes me happy.

I'm hoping for another happiness moment this evening.  We are taking the oldest to the Middle School Open House tonight.  She will be going there next year.  For the past couple of weeks I have had to do a lot of processing.  I had some really horrible memories from my middle school years and I was letting it influence my perspective of her going off to middle school.  I have gotten to a point where I can be ok that she is excited to go to a new school.  I'm not quite excited for her yet, but I am hopeful that tonight will be a good experience for both of us.  Wishing myself good luck. :)