I have been in therapy for a few months now. It isn't my first stint there. Actually, I really love therapy and highly recommend it to all. There is something about meeting with someone, talking about your deep stuff, saying anything you want/need to say, knowing they are only there for you, and getting an outside perspective.
Can you tell how much I like it? So I have been thinking about some of the things I have learned there recently. One main thing I have learned, and really felt has made a difference in my life is about being fake. It used to really bother me..... like a ton...... when I felt people where being fake. I want people to be there true selves and this is how I have tried to act and be around everyone. I realize we all put on certain faces around people, wanting to look our best in situations. The people that bother me are the ones who say they are one way and then act a totally different way. Or act nice to your face, but talk about you behind your back. Or are only interested in appearances, how other people see them, and always looking the proper part, never being their true self. I don't know if that all makes sense, but that is the best I can describe it.
For the past few years, I have come to the understanding that when characteristics in other people bother us, it is really just a mirror for ourselves. Meaning, whatever bothers us about other people, really is what bothers us about us. So me being bothered by fakeness is really a mirror for my own fakeness. But for the longest time, I couldn't figure out how I was being fake. I try my hardest to be true to myself, to tell my true thoughts, and be myself no matter the situation or audience. This has gotten me into trouble a few times in my life, but I believe it is better then the alternative.
So how was I being fake? In therapy I came to see that I am actually being fake with myself. I try so hard to be a positive person and deny myself any negative. I didn't want to see any negative emotions or acknowledge past hurts. I didn't want to think about things from my life that would bring me pain. Instead I tried to bury them. I got really good at numbing myself out so I wouldn't have to feel anything negative. I was being fake by pretending that this part of me didn't exist.
This M.O. worked pretty good for me for most of my life. Then, a few years ago, all the stuff buried had enough hiding and wanted to be acknowledged. I was hit by depression. Hit with it like a train. It has taken me these few years to finally see that I was hiding from myself. Not being true to myself. That is why when others are fake it bothers me so much.
The good news is that now that I understand where this came from, inside myself, it doesn't bother me as much when other people act that way. Most of the time I could care less, or I feel sad for them for not having confidence or awareness to be their authentic self. I love that something that bothered me for so long in really not an issue anymore.
As for me and my journey, I am starting to accept my true self more. I am starting to make myself be okay with looking at the negative. I'm not pretending it doesn't exist anymore. I am strong enough to acknowledge it and work through the painful parts. I am letting myself feel. It is harder then I thought it would be, I am really good at numbing out as soon as anything starts to feel bad. I have learned to recognize when this starts to happen though. I can feel my energy level going down, so I know something has triggered me. It is a process and I need to be patient with myself.
The journey I am on is hard, but it is a good one. Coming to know myself better.
2 comments:
I really enjoyed reading your thoughts and insights. It is really interesting that you brought up the fact that often the things that bother us about others are often the things that bother us about ourselves. I actually pondered that thought earlier today when I was thinking about the stuff that bugs me about my husband and the fact of the matter is I totally act the same way to him. Now that I realize it, I most definetly am going to work on changing it. Anyways...thanks again for your thought. I think it is awesome that you are seeing a therapist and that you are doing tons better. I have thought about seeing one myself from time to time. Sometimes you really do just need someone to talk to. I know I do. I go crazy sometimes because I feel like there is no one to talk to. I don't have sisters and some things you shouldn't talk to your mom about and Adam isn't really a talker. Anyways...this is the longest comment in the whole world. I just want to say...you are an awesome person and I hope you keep sharing your interesting thought because they are helpful. :)
Coming over from mmb.
I loved this post! I too have dealt with depression and therapy and the emotional and mental tools I've learned to use to combat my depression have been life changing. I am so happy that you have embraced therapy and are gaining insight into how to become who you want and are ment to be. So many go into therapy kicking and screaming, not understanding its wonderful benifits. If only they could see its blessings....as you have....lives could be changed for the good. :)
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